Remember the movie “The Breakfast Club”? The story revolved around a group of teenagers serving detention on a Saturday morning in the library of their high school. All of the teens blamed their parents or teachers for the punishments they were facing instead of making the connection between their own breaking of rules and the prescribed consequences. We often see images of rebellious teenagers in movies and on television portrayed in this way because, let’s face it; it’s a common theme many viewers can relate to (teens and parents alike).
If you’re dealing with a teenager who is mad at you for putting him or her on restriction, be assured you’re not alone and take some solace knowing that a little rebellion in a teen is a natural thing. Why is that so? Teenagers are sort of stuck in the middle. They are no longer children, but they are not yet adults either. The transition from the dependent state of childhood to the independent state of adulthood inevitably proves rocky for many teens and their parents.
Teens often push the boundaries of the rules their parents establish in an effort to speed up their journey towards independence. But just because some breaking of the rules is a natural byproduct of the growing up process, this doesn’t mean parents shouldn’t respond with appropriate consequences for rule breaking. We can all agree that it’s in the best interest for our children to learn there are consequences for not following the rules we set up for their own good. But of course no teen enjoys punishment and that often causes additional conflict between teens and parents. The teen breaks a rule, the parent gives a consequence, which often angers the teen, and that leads to further conflict.
Although parents can’t make their teens follow the rules 100% of the time, they can apply consequences in a way that reduces the tendency teens have to unfairly blame their parents for their consequences instead of seeing their punishment as a direct result of their own misbehaviors. This is an imperative realization for teens to learn in order to become productive adults - in a civilized society there are indeed serious penalties for breaking the law.
How can you make sure your teens clearly see the cause-and-effect relationship between their rule breaking and their punishments? It’s actually pretty simple- set up clear consequences for breaking any rule BEFORE it is ever broken. That way, if and when a rule is broken, the consequence comes across as being more “fair” in the eyes of the teen because of the simple fact that he or she knew what the consequence would be before he or she chose to break it.
Even though this strategy is simple to put in place, I understand it can be tough to follow through and do with teens who just don’t understand that you are not backing down from your high expectations for their own good. I’ve seen two of my children successfully through to adulthood, but (gasp) I still have two more to guide through the rocky teen years. My point is -we’re in this all together. It’s my hope we can give each other support and encouragement through my Parent Professor Blog. Let’s not just survive being parents of teenagers; let’s thrive by making the most of the good times and minimizing the hard ones.
